My convivophobia – fear of parties

I am sitting at the table. The dinner is eaten, dances are being done, fun is being had. By the other people. Couples.

Awk, couples. Aren’t they the worst?They have been nice throughout the trip, but now, they make me stand out like a sore thumb.

I’m feeling like a sore thumb. Small, abandoned, boring.

I love my life. I love being single and independent. I don’t miss a man in my life, I don’t even miss being in love.

But the party at this NYE made me feel my worst thoughts about me. Like social situations generally do.

It doesn’t matter how content I am with me and with my life when I’m alone. Throw somebody else into that equation and the balance is gone.

Will I ever learn how to have that? It’s not that I hate people – it’s that I don’t like myself when I’m around them. I’m a nervous mess instead of being my best.

Maybe one day I will manage to be the same, no matter if I’m alone or in a company.

But what if I won’t.

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My soul breathes music and exhales words.

6 thoughts on “My convivophobia – fear of parties

  1. I feel you, and I’m half of a couple. I like how you said that you don’t hate people, just yourself when you’re around them. I identify with that. Hopeful that one day I’ll master the art of working the room.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s actually a very recent realisation (that it’s not people that bother me but my own behaviour) – I understood it as I was writing this post… glad you could relate but I also hope you’ll overcome it soon. Good luck!

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  2. I agree and am also half of a couple. My husband is the socializer and he will talk to almost every person at a party while I will talk to maybe two or three people that I know well. When we are on the way home we’ll discuss the party and he will tell me all sorts of things that I never observed. It has only been in the last few years as I search for who I really am that I came to the conclusion that I am an introvert. Never realized it before but it totally explains everything. I’m trying to decide if I want to change that behavior or just know that it is me and deal.

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    1. Being introvert is not an easy in a world of loud shouting, where networking is still “the” way to get ahead and where attention is given to self-promos on social media. But it’s still a valid way, a wonderful way to live so I hope you won’t change too much 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my, Andi I completely relate to this piece and I am part of a couple. Whether I am with my man or not I am uncomfortable in groups of strangers. On the other hand I relish one-on-one with close friends and even small groups of close friends is an energy boost for me. I started forgiving myself for those feelings of inadequacy when I realised (way too late in life I might add) that I am an introvert through and through. Since then I have given myself permission to excuse myself from uncomfortable situations. I could see myself excusing myself after dinner and finding a quiet retreat with a nightcap, or coffee, and a good book. I’m with you on this this. Hugs Linda 🙂

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    1. Maybe the reason why it bothered me so much is because it was NYE and you’re “supposed to” party that night. But yeah, you’re right, we can’t step out of our skin. Thank you for showing that it’s not a incurable behaviour 😉

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