I recognised myself in this advise to a “sloth”

I can’t hear enough about the importance of self-talk.

This column is the tough love that I needed. I read it quick once and then I sat down with it.

“As long as you’re deeply conflicted about your choices and the ways you’ve chosen to identify yourself, you have a problem.”

Do you like to be you, is the question she wants me to ask myself. If not, who wants you to change, others or your deeper self?

“A big part of our jobs, as mature adult human beings, is figuring out who we are and what we value WITHOUT falling back on a million and one inaccurate and clumsy stories told by other people who know us about as well as a fucking squirrel knows the moon.”

I know I make the mistake of wanting people to like me, no matter what. Do I want their acceptance because I don’t know how to give it to myself or does it come from another need?

“Because all humans get told inaccurate stories about themselves by everyone everywhere. (…) So you have to peel back layer after layer to figure out the truth.”

It’s hard work and it even looks like a never-ending one, and I, too, know myself using the “lazy card”. But “Polly” suggests it’s an excuse:

“You aren’t lazy. Lose that one first. You’re afraid. You’re afraid of investing your full self in anything, only to be disappointed. You’re afraid to show your heart. You’re afraid of trying to change your habits only to disappoint yourself.”

Whoa. This is the moment I stopped, sat back and thought, damn, this is something I never let myself consider. I am afraid of attempting to change my habits because I’m afraid I won’t succeed and disappoint myself. Ironically, that lack of trying becomes the very reason to be disappointed in myself.

“I’ll bet you’re not even an introvert at heart. You’re someone who wants to live out loud, share herself with the world, and stop overthinking and delaying and avoiding the pesky little tasks that make up a life.”

I can’t count how often I used the introvert-card. And maybe I am an introvert but it’s also true that I admire those loud people who are brave enough to show themselves to the world just like they are, while I’d be using different facades to match the environment. So what if I’m just using my introvert tendencies as an excuse instead of facing my fears and get the real me out there?

“I know this sounds taxing, but you have to put every single thing that you think you are on the table and reexamine it. That’s what it takes to become an adult and start making active, organic, thoughtful choices about how you want to live.”

Maybe it’ll confirm that I am who I think I am. Nervous, introspective, unlikeable. Maybe it’ll show me a way to discover things about me I hadn’t known.

“Actively choosing who you are and what you care about, outside of the limited confines of other people’s narratives about you, is what happiness is all about.”

The question is, am I ready?

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My soul breathes music and exhales words.

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