The first

It’s the first day of the month, and more than that, it’s the first day of the second half of the year. Time to stop and ponder, where are we and where do we want to be?

Tisza river, Hungary, 2017. Photo by me.

Recently I’ve been in a weird mood. I have been very pensive about my place in the world, about the way I can connect to who I am deep down. I have a lot of questions but can’t seem to grasp the answers.

Today, following my blogger friend’s example, I did a tarot card reading. I couldn’t find my own so I did it online. And the first card immediately asked an important question:

Is what I desire really the right thing for me?

I pride myself to be independent and individualistic but even with all that, I want to be liked and accepted. External expectations influence me a lot, and it’s a valid question: is what I want for me or for others?

Sometimes I feel everyone online is a traveller, a coach, a writer and a photographer these days. When I see that a lot of people do what (I think) I love, I wonder: is this a deep calling I can trust or a superficial desire that gives me instant gratification by being “one of the gals”?

Even finding our calling is also something of a fashion today. What if I don’t find myself? Can I still live a happy life without a purpose, following a hidden path that reveals itself next step by next step?

I feel so much pressure to figure things out. To find that special thing I have to do, otherwise I’ll be wasting my life. What if I won’t? What if I just go with the flow and don’t get hung up on where it leads me?

Walk. Photo by me.

Card 2: companionship

Despite of all the work Susan Cain has done, today’s world celebrates extroverts – we are all expected to aspire to be loud, confident, social people.

I know I’m not. I know that superficial relationships exhaust me. But I don’t know how to grow one that is deep and meaningful. I miss having a good friend and the drawback of moving around a lot is that I haven’t cultivated such a relationship in a long time.

I don’t have the courage to approach people I meet, the fear of rejection closes me up.

I’d like to say it’s OK, I don’t need people in my life but I do. They tire me but without them, I’m sliding into a swamp and I am scared of getting in so deep, it’ll be the darkness again.

Waste. Photo by me.

Card 3: it’s not too late to change direction

Someone told me the other day it’s important to realise, we don’t have to follow the past patterns. We can decide to leave the past in the past and start with a blank page.

What if no matter how many times I fell in the past, this time I will stay standing? After all, isn’t this how we learned everything we know today? We fell zillion of times as babies trying to walk but it didn’t make us stop. Learning to write, ride a bike, use a camera was also accompanied with plenty of failing the first tries. And we still went on.

What if no matter how many times I’ve been hurt in the past, I can manage it now?

Croatia, 2017. Photo by me.

Card 4: Despite the fear and bewilderment you feel, and the seeming difficulty of the path you have chosen, keep going

It’s serendipitously in line with what I wrote the other day. The power of practice in the repetitions: the more I try, the better I get. We can only achieve things we are dedicated to.

Card 5: A difficult decision has to be made

Here’s what feels right at the moment: I will let go of this “finding my life purpose” pressure cooker. Everyone says the dots get connected backwards so why worry about them now? Let’s just put one foot in front of the other, testing the ground that it will indeed hold me and stop worrying about the rest.

Card 6: time for patience

I’m not very good at patience. I don’t have long term investments or plans, I don’t know where I want to be in 5-10-30 years. Therefore I prefer activities that bear fruit in a short time: reading instead of writing, eating instead of exercise, spending instead of savings. I don’t have the patience to wait out the result.

But are results important? Isn’t the activity itself more important? Nichole Wurth said once (I paraphrase) that think of exercise as a gift to your body, don’t stress about what results it’ll bring.

This is applicable to many areas, I’m sure I read it before that one way to manage anxiety is to focus on the input – the output is often something that’s not up to us. If we can’t change it, why worry about it?

Time for patience to learn to let go of the results, and worry only about my side of the equation.

Croatia, 2017. Photo by me.
Question to readers:

How do you feel about your life purpose? Are you looking? Have you found it?

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My soul breathes music and exhales words.

8 thoughts on “The first

  1. I’m in the middle of a 3 year spiritual class. It’s taught me so much and opened my eyes to so much more. I don’t ask the question what is my life purpose any more. We are here to be of service, to be, forgive, accept, embrace, love, etc. and grow spiritually. What do you enjoy? What’s your passion? Be in the now. Enjoy yourself and share it with others. Great post!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love what Spiritual Journey says above. We could end the conversation right there! ❤

    For me, I feel that I know my greater purpose…and I'm working on living inside that purpose. It takes time and there is a learning curve there, but I'm working on it. While the work is being done…I'm being as mindful and present as I can be. ❤

    Beautiful post. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hello Miss Andi,
    I love this post! You could have been talking about my journey too.
    I’ve been attempting to figure out how to find my purpose and attempted many classes of healing modalities to reach out to others to help them. I’m discovering that in finding joy in the simple things I love doing, letting go of the struggle and anxiety about how to be useful, that being happy within oneself can be a purpose unto itself. This creates its own ripple effect that has an effect on others. It’s taken a lot of work and is still a daily practise but I’m surrendering to what’s next as it unfolds.
    Wishing you all the best on your journey too. Those cards you pulled were amazing inspiration. Thank you.
    A lovely lovely post 💐✨✨


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