There are many reasons for people to have fat. Only a few has anything to do with laziness and willpower. I’d like to put this out there.
What’s it got to do with skirts? Well yesterday wearing a short dress brought up some long-forgotten fear in me that I didn’t expect.
I never wear short dresses in the summer when I can’t wear tights underneath but yesterday I just popped out to the supermarket and didn’t want to change for a quick grocery shopping.
It was eerily empty, must’ve caught a dead period and I felt very visible without being able to hide in the crowd. I felt like everyone was looking at me. And soon everywhere I looked, I saw men. And suddenly I felt like every man was a predator. The guy on the phone who happened to be in the same aisle, was “following” me. The men who were buying something to barbecue were “gaping” and “talking about me”.
I discovered a while ago that one of the things holding me back and keeping my fat cushion is my fear of attracting men and their unwanted attention. This fear was something I’ve known but it was an abstract reason.
It was real yesterday. I was so conscious about showing too much flesh that I didn’t buy our usual cheese because it was on the highest shelf . It was a debilitating feeling, scary and lonely experience, and I was close to tears.
Nothing happened, hell, nothing even changed, I’m still the fat girl, no more (or less) attractive than I was the day before.
Was it a flashback? A warning? A reminder why I keep this safety cushion? Or just an old fear flaring up one last time before it disappears… Time will tell.
Does any of you have/had similar experience? I guess I’d just like to reach out to know I’m not alone. To know that it’s healable (if that’s a word). Thank you.