Not quite anthropophobia but close enough

Yesterday at work I went into the kitchen to have lunch. After I opened the door, I halted, and quickly found an excuse to leave. Or run would be a better term.

And why?

Because about 5 girls were already sitting there having a coffee break.

The funny thing is that individually I quite like them. We get along well and they definitely don’t make me turn on my heels when I see them. Put them together and it’s an entirely different situation.

I know that I likely come off as cold, reserved, maybe even unfriendly. I’m none of those things really – as long as I’m in a group of less than 4 people… Give me more and I’m your Ice Queen.

This particular fear stops me from getting close to others or let them see who I really am. The lack of connections makes the days a bit flatter and, more painfully, makes me feel left out which in turn leaves me with the feeling of unworthiness. And the thing is, it all starts with me so essentially I’m causing pain to myself…

I don’t have a quick fix. I don’t even believe that they exist on the long term. But I believe that recognising a problem is a first step. Maybe my unconscious will start working on it in the background while I keep the intention in my mind to want to have lunch with my colleagues. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next month. But I want to make it happen.

*Anthropophobia: pathological fear of people or human company. It is an extreme, pathological form of shyness and timidity. 

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My soul breathes music and exhales words.

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